Esther Ko

Apoptosis is a collection of poetry, visual art, and reflections exploring identity, suffering, transformation, and the relentless pursuit of the grace of a forgiving God. It is curated to invite readers into moments of pause, reflection, and wonder.

For most of my life, I hated being asked this simple question:

Who are you?

I never knew how to answer correctly. The answer always seemed to change depending on who I was trying to impress or what temporary vice I hoped would finally make me feel whole. I hated how I didn’t know what to put my identity in.

I distracted myself before I had to confront why I couldn’t be content with not having a solid answer. So I ran—into relationships. Sex. Drugs. Noise. Although temporary, I would take anything that could satisfy the fear of uncertainty, and the recurring hunger of my heart’s empty gut.

But after a three-day acid trip in college that led to two months of psychosis, I came to a dead end. I found myself face-to-face with the very question I had spent my entire life avoiding:

Who was I, really?

Apoptosis traces the slow unraveling of the false selves we construct to survive—and the opportunity for new life to emerge when those versions of ourselves begin to die.

This collection refuses to water down the ache of a generation starving for love, truth, identity, authenticity, and belonging.

Apoptosis will begin in that very hunger. In many ways, it is also the dinner bell for those who do not yet realize they are famished to come home.

Welcome to my testimony of blossom, from burial.